Awake!

You'd think, after almost no sleep for a couple of days, and driving for 12 hours straight today, that I would be exhausted enough to sleep.  But no.

I lie awake in the dark hotel room, alternately closing my eyes and staring at the patterns of light made by the gaps in the curtains and wondering why my brain won't shut off.  

And then thinking, of course my brain won't shut off.  Did I really wonder that?  What a stupid question.  (sigh)  It's 12:13 am.

I turn over and try laying on the other side.  

and then turn back over.

and then stare at the ceiling some more.

and then go to the bathroom, just for something to do. 

and then lay down and close my eyes again.

and then open my eyes.  The patterns of light have not changed.  It's 1:26 am. 

Perhaps while driving all day, my brain has to keep alert about traffic and road conditions, and listen to the kids, and think about exits, and listen to the book on CD (Fablehaven, today) and try to stay awake, and perhaps with all that it does not have time to sort through all the other things going on in my life, and so, when I lay down in a dark hotel room, and there is... nothing... it can finally begin to sort through real life.  

We have a court date next week.  And another next month.  And What if Mike looses his job?  Where will  our pets live?  Where will we live?  Scenes from the past replay over and over in my mind.  a phrase here.  a snippet there.  What did that mean?  What will we do?  I try to tell my brian to do Yoga Nidra, but it keeps wandering to everything else.  I bring it back to focusing on the left side of my mouth, (yes, it's a little weird, but it usually works!) and then realize I've drifted back into life.  

Finally, I get up, undo the velcro on my laptop bag (very loud in a silent, dark hotel room with 4 kids asleep), tell Bethany to lie back down, and go sit in the bathroom, on the toilet seat lid, and turn on my laptop for the first time on this trip. 

After checking my email, posting a sleepless status on Facebook, and writing on my blog, I am out of things to do.  Perhaps I will try going back to bed.  

It is 2:10 am.

Rebecca  :0