It has been quite a while since I have posted here, not because nothing has happened, or because I don't have time to write, or because I don't want to share my thoughts. Actually, tons of things have been going on, I write for several hours most days, and I would love to share my thoughts.
But I censor myself. All the time. In everything. For example:
I filed for divorce last month. This was a major life event (clearly)- along the magnitude of marriage, a birth or death in the family. But what would I say on a blog, where the whole world can read it, that would not offend or hurt someone, somewhere? I mean- someone I know personally and care about. (I realize people in China that I don't know- I'm not referring here to the people in China I care about very much- read my blog, (I'm not sure why, but they are welcome) and if I offend them with my thoughts on marriage and divorce, well, life goes on.) But how about my family? My in-laws? My kids?
And so I am silent. As I have been on many subjects. For many years. As I write this I hear Taylor Swift in the back of my mind saying, "Speak Now!" Yes, well. She's not getting divorced, is she? If she ever does, I expect she will make millions selling albums about it. And I will buy them and sing along with her and cry.
So, what have I been doing? Thinking? Not talking about?
I've been wondering how to settle a divorce. What do I ask for? What do I accept is just not going to happen? What is worth fighting for- if anything- and what is not? Do I have to have an attorney with me along the way? Or can we work this out ourselves in a way that won't hurt me and the kids in the long run, and bring the attorneys in to sign everything off at the end?
I've been trying to come to grips with life as a single mother. Some things I expected as part of this package deal- like doing the laundry myself. (Mike used to wash and dry the clothes.) And some things I've been surprised by- like the hollow feeling I get when I fill out a form and the "Father" information side stays blank. Or the way people look at my left hand, and then at my kids, and give me a look that says they have misjudged my entire life in 15 seconds and placed me into a box where I don't belong.
Or, where I hope I don't belong.
I have been cleaning out the house. Getting ready for the inevitable move that has to come some time. Throwing away some of the junk we accumulate by living in the same house for 8 years. When we moved here, it was the 21st house we had lived in, and we had been married 18 years. (Counting every place we lived for 3 months or longer) It's amazing how much junk we can hold onto when we are not forced to clear it out. Do you know I still had baby socks in the sock bucket? And my youngest turns 13 next week!
I have been looking at families. Watching husbands and wives interact. Comparing and measuring myself against them. Did I speak that kindly to my husband when he was here? Am I gentle like that with my children? Where do I need to improve? What will my kids remember when they are my age? And I've been keeping a careful mental thermometer on my kids, watching for signs of distress in the midst of their lives being turned upside down. Ready as I can be with the emotional Tylenol and hugs. Hoping I can do this all myself.
I have spent a lot of time thinking. A bit of time crying. Much time in prayer. Several hours in the car with my kids and heavy doses of Taylor Swift. Not as much time as I should spend cleaning the house. A few hours a day writing- usually my endless YA novel, but occasionally something else sneaks in. At least a few hours each month in the temple. A sprinkling of moments, like sugar dusted on cake, visiting with friends in person or via email. And moments here and there staring at the sky and wondering how life got so wonderful. And complicated. And painful. And perfect. All at the same time.
And being surprised that I can feel peace and happiness these days.
That's what I have been up to. How about you?
